Classification: Prose
Theme: Death
Synopsis: Levi struggles to cope with the death of his wife, hence making him commit to reckless decisions.
(This is a long prequel to "Life is Cruel," told from the perspective of Levi. I also recently added another child for him, hence why he has three kids instead of two.)
TW: Death. Please do not read if you are sensitive about the topic of death or if you hold any trauma of the loss of someone, because this story revolves around a man grieving the death of his wife.
...
"Levi! It's Aiko! Please just let Agnes and I inside!" I heard my older sister yell as she assaulted my bedroom door by pounding her fist on it non-stop. I didn't answer nor even move and just continued to sit on my desk chair, feeling as numb as a rock. I was about to drink from the bottle of wine next to my hand, then realized that I had already finished it. I deeply sighed before rubbing my nose bridge in frustration as my sister continued to assault my door to the point where I was surprised she still hadn't punched a hole in it.
"Aiko, please. Let me," I heard my maid and once-loving caretaker softly say to Aiko. She softly (unlike my sister) knocked on the door before speaking in a gentle and loving tone, "Levi, please let us see you. I called your sister because I thought she would be able to convince you to open your door, so please. . .we're all worried about you! You've locked yourself in your bedroom after your wife's funeral, and your kids haven't seen you since! They all want to see the only parent they have left! Please come out...! None of us can bear seeing your or the state your kids are in!"
I didn't say a word and only looked at the door. I heard Aiko sigh and state in a tone that sounded like she was about to cry.
"Little brother, please, we're all so worried about your mental state. We know you loved Alice very much, but you can't keep yourself locked up in your room! Your kids lost their mother! Please DO NOT make them lose their father as well!"
When she said my wife's name, it felt like a traumatizing war flashedback, which it was. Her funeral happened about a week ago, and the moment I stepped back into the mansion I called home, I immediately reported to what I once called my and Alice's bedroom. I would grab bottles of alcohol from the kitchen at night once my children were finally asleep so they wouldn't see my disgusting state. I couldn't afford that. What would they think if they saw their father drinking away his problems?
The three are going through enough pain already. I would rather spare them some by not letting them see their father's wretched state, and so I decided to hide away until I could finally show my face to them.
I drowned myself and my problems in alcohol and grieved alone. I dealt with my issues and neglected my duties in the military. I haven't done my paperwork in over a week now. I didn't even eat, I only had liquor to fill me. I lost my appetite days ago. I haven't seen my kids either ever since the funeral, and to be honest, I reckon they were what I needed in my situation right now. I missed them so much, but I couldn't let them see me like this.
Was this what people call the Stages of Grief? If so, then I was currently going through a mix of anger and depression.
My room was in absolute chaos and shambles. I threw the things on the floor out of frustration and anger, and never bothered to pick them up. Bottles of alcohol began to pile on my desk. I hardly remember anything from the funeral. I was too distraught to do anything, but I tried my best to keep a strong face for my kids.
[Flashback]
The speaker was loud as the male voice inside kept going on about my wife, how she was an extraordinary and brave soldier, how she was a loving wife and mother. It went on about how her death wasn't in vain.
I was standing in front of Alice's closed casket. I decided to have her casket closed out of respect, I knew my wife, and she wouldn't want hundreds of people looking at her body, but I did decide to have the coffin opened for one last look before they bury her. The people that attended the funeral were family members and soldiers. Guns were fired earlier as her casket containing her body was brought onto the front of the room, where onlookers could witness everything.
Next to me were my three kids. My oldest was a 16-year-old boy named Hunter. My second oldest was a 13-year-old girl named Chase, and my youngest was only a little 7-year-old girl named Rosabelle. The three of them all had heavy tears in their eyes and visibly struggled to keep down their cries. In front of us were my siblings, who were all dearly close to my wife before her death, whereas I just stood there with a dead expression, trying to hold back the tears in my eyes because I wasn't going to let anyone see me in a vulnerable state. Despite my lack of expression, I was an absolute mess inside.
Thoughts ran back and forth about how this was my fault, how I should have protected my wife. I was worried about how I could raise our three kids alone without her. Would our children still be okay, and could I mould them into good people without their mother?
At that moment, I missed Alice so much. I was in denial. Thoughts of my refusal to accept her faith lived in my head rent-free.
Why did this happen...?
I promised to protect her!
I refuse to accept this!
But I eventually realized and accepted that this was her faith. They opened her coffin, and there she was. My wife's lifeless body delicately laid down inside the casket, roses and flowers surrounding her. At that point, Chase couldn't take it anymore and let out a somewhat loud sob as Rosabelle did the same. Hunter trembled as he kept down his cries and turned his head away as tears began to slide down his cheeks. I pulled them into a tight embrace without a second thought, not caring if hundreds of spectators could see us. It didn't matter.
"Shhh...it's okay. I'm here." I tried to console them even if my voice itself was trembling. Eventually, Chase and Hunter calmed down and pulled away from me, whereas my youngest kept holding onto me. I decided to carry her before nodding at the officiant to continue. And Alice was transferred outside to bury her next to my grandfather's grave. My siblings and I thought it would be best to have Alice next to our favourite relative.
The entire time, none of my kids could bring themselves to witness the sight of their mother being buried, and I didn't force them. Rosabelle was letting out quiet and soft cries that only I could hear as I failed to console her. "I-I want Mommy..." she cried. It felt as if I was about to drop to my knees and break down, but I kept my composure and uttered the only words I could think of at that moment, "I'm sorry, Baby... I'm so sorry..."
They wanted their mother, and she was the only one who could calm them down at that moment. They wanted to see her again, but I couldn't do anything because I couldn't give them what they wanted the most.
I had my kids driven home because I had to be left behind with my siblings to run some errands. Truthfully, I was physically and mentally exhausted, and wanted nothing more but to go home, but I reckoned that I wouldn't be able to bear the sight of my and Alice's old bedroom, where we spent more of our time together.
Nevertheless, I came back home after three hours and expected my kids to be in the sitting room, but as it turns out, they locked themselves in their rooms after arriving home. I spoke to each of them through their doors before grabbing bottles of wine and locking myself in my bedroom.
Ever since then, Agnes had been trying to get me out, but I would always refuse or not answer at all. My son had also tried getting me out. "Father, are you alright...? Agnes told me you wouldn't leave your room, please just come out because we're all so worried about you and. . .we miss you so much," he said through my door with a shaky voice. I felt very intoxicated from all the alcohol I was consuming, so I only answered, "Son, I need more time. I'll be out soon..." This exchange was four days after the funeral, and I still haven't come out, but I think Hunter could tell I was lying from the sound of my voice.
The entire time I was in my bedroom, Alice never left my mind for even a moment. At some point, the weight on my shoulders finally crushed me, and I took out my anger and sorrow by destroying and pushing everything in my room before collapsing onto a corner, breaking down. I screamed out my pain as the tears that I kept in all for so long escaped my eyes uncontrollably.
I couldn't handle all the pain and grief I was feeling anymore. I needed to let it all out.
[End of Flashback]
Eventually, I heard my door unlocking with its key. Dammit, I forgot Agnes had a spare key to my bedroom. My door swung open as my eyes twitched from the bright light coming from the hallway. Agnes and Aiko both immediately stepped inside before their eyes widened at me. They saw me almost passed out on my desk, surrounded by bottles of alcohol. My hair was unkempt, and I still haven't changed my clothing ever since the funeral, as my red eyes and dark eyebags made it obvious that I had several sleepless nights. I looked at the two women before groaning. "I didn't want anyone to see me like this..." I mumbled.
Aiko gritted her teeth before she stomped over to me and slapped me across my face, hard. "AIKO!" Agnes scolded. I stared at my sister in disbelief. "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BLOODY MIND, LEVI?! LOOK AT YOURSELF!!" she yelled. I sighed and shook my head, not knowing what to say. "Levi, you look rotten! What have you been doing all this time?!" Agnes questioned. Aiko looked at my desk before speaking again, "Alcohol?! TERRORIZING your bedroom?!! LOCKING YOURSELF IN HERE?!!! LEVI!! This is not the way to move on from your wife's death! Not to mention your lack of hygiene is even worse!!"
"Levi, you are slowly killing yourself by staying in here! We understand just how much you are in pain after losing your wife, but this is not the way to cope with it! Drowning yourself in alcohol, neglecting your hygiene, destroying your bedroom, and locking yourself in here is not the answer! Not to mention your children are worried sick about you!" Agnes spoke. I lifted my head and looked at them. "Wait, how are the kids? Are they okay?!" I worriedly asked. They both sighed before Agnes answered, "The kids are okay, but they have been so worried about you. Not a day goes by where they don't ask where their father is. Levi, they miss you, so please fix yourself and face them!"
I looked down as my hands trembled. "I can't..." I answered. "I can't let them see me like this. What will they think if they see their father at the brink of insanity..." I covered half of my face with my hand as I sighed. "I don't wish for them to lose their father as well, so, therefore, I decided to only face them again once I'm in an acceptable state and once I've slightly healed. from the loss of my wife. Please tell them that their damned father is so sorry for keeping himself locked up here. Tell them I'm sorry for neglecting them all this time..." I spoke in a shaky voice.
Aiko looked at me, and then she wrapped her arms around me in a tight embrace. "Levi, if you can't take care of your kids in your current state, then let my husband and I take them in until you've pulled yourself together. It's better for you and the kids," my sister softly spoke in a comforting tone. I trusted her, so I answered with no hesitation, "Please do so, Aiko, they need a parent more than anything, and I can't be that person right now..."
Published by: Jan Yeasha Mendez
Date published: February 8, 2022
Time published: 5:24 PM
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