Published by: Roel Angelo C. Argana
Date Published: November 17, 2022
Time Published: 4:40 PM
Classification: Prose
Theme: Childhood, Mistakes
My wife, Eugenia, and I had our first child thirty-five years ago. A pair of twin girls, one older than the other by three minutes. We named them Aiko and Akito. Having children was expected and required of us at that time and that was the only reason why we decided to have an offspring.
So much was expected of you if you were born into a high social class.
Eugenia and I were both born into Nobility, precisely. That meant that our parents already planned our future before we even came into this world. To me, if it hadn't been for our statuses, then we might have had full control over our decisions.
When I was a little boy, my life and decisions were all decided by my overbearing parents. My freedom and independence over myself were extremely slim if not nonexistent. High society was truly dreadfully dull. My entire life I did not receive any formal education. I was homeschooled and tutored at home.
My mother and father claimed that I was "too good" to be put in a real school,
and because they did not want me to make any friends because for them, friends would be nothing but a distraction for me and they wholeheartedly believed that having friends would make me neglect my studies.
They wanted me to focus on one thing only: education.
My mother and father completely detached me from other people. I was allowed to go out of the mansion, however only if I had an escort. Even then, my parents made my escort restrict me from doing certain things outside. That included speaking to women my age.
Yes, even romance and any intimacy were out of the question for me.
Perhaps with such rules my dear mother and father enforced on me, they tried their best to make me happy themselves. Well, incorrect.
Very.
They enforced rules, scolded, and lectured me, but that was it. All my life, I never received any intimacy or affection from them. They were cold, distant, and never seemed like they ever wanted to spend time with their son. I never heard them say they loved me and I experienced constant degradation and neglect from them in my childhood. The cherry on top; they demanded perfection from me in everything I did.
Excellence was expected of me. Nothing should have ever been less. If I received a grade lower than a hundred, I was criticized and shamed. Failure was off the table. I supposed that...this was what influenced me to do the same to my children...
Their treatment ceased to bother me when I was still little but I began to want more independence during my teenage years. At that stage, children started to rebel against their parents and decide on their own but it wasn't the same for me. Of course, I had a deep desire for freedom and I wanted to rebel as well. What I didn't have was the courage. I was too scared and I was too much of a coward to even so much as talk back to my parents.
After I turned eighteen, my parents finally loosened and allowed me to make my own decisions. I was officially an adult, after all. I was allowed to go out on my own and do other things my parents would have disapproved of. I'd been isolated for so long that I was over the moon when I was finally given my freedom.
I met Eugenia when I was nineteen. She was a medical student at that time and very similar to me. Born into high society, the golden child, an achiever, grew up with overbearing parents, was pressured, and just had an identical childhood to mine.
And the most similar trait about us was that both our futures were planned by our parents.
Because of how similar we were, we got along very well and became friends. The two of us would have long conversations and no one would get bored. We shared our concerns and distaste for our parents and would never get judged for it.
But friends was the keyword and what our entire relationship was meant to be in the first place.
It wasn't long before our parents caught wind of our new friendship and that was when things began to get complicated. Not only Eugenia and I were similar as people but our families were as well. Similar to mine, Eugenia's family possessed a great and high rank in Nobility. Both parties (our families) saw my and Eugenia's "fellowship" as an excellent opportunity to form an alliance between our two high-ranking families.
That being said, before Eugenia and I even knew it our families were forcing us to date. We didn't even feel any romantic attraction to each other. Yes, we were good friends but that was it. We weren't even what you would call "best friends."
Because of the situation, our families were putting us in, it became uncomfortably awkward whenever Eugenia and I were in the same room. Strained our relationship, even. But being the two children that always obeyed mummy and daddy, we eventually agreed to become boyfriend and girlfriend the following year when we were both twenty.
It was out of duty and not love.
My thoughts on this at that time were that it was my fulfillment, so that was why I eventually agreed. Looking back at it now as an adult, I wouldn't call our agreement to date a mistake. That would be too cruel. Some may have wondered how Eugenia and I treated each other after agreeing to start a relationship. We didn't...treat each other any differently. Only, things became more awkward and difficult between us now that we were labeled as "boyfriend and girlfriend." We didn't hate or dislike each other but we felt no attraction at all.
We just treated one another as if we were casual friends, exactly how we should have stayed.
We both knew where we stood with each other but we kept a fine distance. One thing led to another and thus, the next thing our parents did was rush marriage. Once again, Eugenia and I were pressured and getting overwhelmed by the absurd demands of our families. They wanted our alliance to be official as quickly as possible and never once considered how we felt.
Eugenia and I discussed what to do and if we were willing to get married despite our lack of feelings for one another. After almost a year of deciding, we concluded that even if we didn't want to get married, our families would find one way or another to make us husband and wife. With our current situation, our future with each other was inevitable. We were both under the thumbs of our families.
There was nothing we could do. Our futures had already been decided and sealed. There was no point in resisting.
Like two obedient dogs, Eugenia and I had a wedding at the young age of twenty-one.
We were officially husband and wife. We were bound to spend the rest of our lives together.
Our wedding had everything you would expect. Food, guests, a priest, reception, wedding attire, music, vows, and everything you could expect. Two things were missing, however: love and sincerity.
Our vows were empty and none of us cracked a smile for the entire wedding.
Because we knew that everything was just for a benefit and that in the end, only our families would get something out of that marriage. We were their pawns in their game of chess.
And we played along.
The wedding day was celebrated with pride and joy but the bride and groom were shallow and unhappy. But nobody cared nor even so much as batted an eye.
Even if the event was a wedding, all everyone could talk about was the alliance between our two families. Hence, nobody even cared about Eugenia and me.
It didn't bother me but it most certainly spoiled my wife's mood even more. It was at that point that I realized just how weak and cowardly I was. I never fought back against my parents because I was too scared. Because I knew that they knew how weak I was towards them and that they could do so much to me. I was never safe from them and Eugenia had to get involved. Now that Eugenia and I were married, the next step was having a baby. Once again, our parents rushed everything.
But even in myself, I knew I had to have a child so I could have an heir and Eugenia understood that. Considering where my wife and I stood, the two of us would have been arguing consistently. But that was never the case between us.
We had a few disagreements but we never had a serious fight. I wasn't sure if we should have been proud of that. However, we agreed that after we have a child, we would get a divorce. The night we decided to finally have offspring was the most intimate we've ever been. Unexpectedly, we decided to change our plans after having our two girls. The first time we ever looked at them, we felt...mesmerized by them.
When I held them in my arms, I had a feeling I never felt before. I didn't know what it was. But seeing our girls was enough for Eugenia and me to change our minds. For the sake of our two kids, we wouldn't go through with the divorce. One year after having our twins, Eugenia gave birth to our third child, another daughter. That time, we named her Aimi.
We wanted to have one last child, hoping that it would be a boy. What we didn't expect was that it would be another pair of twins. Both boys.
Eugenia and I were surprised and very anxious because we had more kids than we had prepared for but nonetheless, we kept the two. Their names were Lee and Levi. But if Eugenia and I had known how horrible we would be as parents, then we wouldn't have had more children. After having all our kids, it was when the years of torment, neglect, disrespect, restriction, and abuse all came falling on not only me but my wife as well. Everything came back to us.
Even today, I didn't know why our children were the wake-up call of everything our families did to us. I supposed it was because they just reminded Eugenia and me of ourselves when we were young. Filled innocence and enthusiasm for the future ahead.
Our parents were never the best role models for us. So, Eugenia and I had no idea how to be good parents ourselves.
But we knew what not to do.
We gave our kids all the freedom we never had. We sent all of them to a real school because to us, that was where childhood began. They made friends, built bonds, went out on dates, dated, wore whatever they pleased, and everything their mother and I never got to do. Eugenia and I didn't stop them. We let them be themselves and we supported them. However, we did push one thing. Education is the same thing our parents always pushed on us. Eugenia and I both had the same feelings about it. It was important and would benefit their futures greatly.
Only, just like what our parents did, we pressured them too much and forced them to get perfect grades. That was our first major mistake as parents. An error that followed our children throughout their lives. Our second major mistake was repeating the way our parents neglected us. Every time Eugenia and I looked at our children, all we saw was a reminder of how our lives were forced to turn out and how we succumbed to every demand of our families.
The children reminded us of...how weak we were. And that was another mistake. We allowed our flaws and mistakes to take over us. We both sometimes couldn't bear to look at them, so we kept away, using work as our escape boat. We were distant. Just like our parents had always been. We truly were cowards. Fear and regret took over us so easily and that not only affected us but our kids as well.
We were too fear-stricken.
Our negligence strained and tainted our relationship with the kids. They should have never been caught up in our "situation." They shouldn't have had to pay for everything our own parents did to us. Eugenia and I vowed to become better parents for our children but we couldn't have failed more miserably.
What went wrong? Why couldn't have we been braver?
But with their education, Eugenia and I believed we were doing what was best for them by forcing them to do better. We didn't listen to them either, thinking that as their parents, then we knew better. Eugenia and I only began to notice how horribly we were treating our kids when they all began to be more distant from us.
But even when they were young, all seven of us never had a good relationship with each other. But our relationship never became so bad until they all became teenagers.
When Eugenia and I realized our mistakes, our relationship with the kids was beyond repair. My wife and I tried to change by becoming more present in the lives of our children and becoming less demanding but it was at that point that the kids began to want nothing to do with us after everything we did.
There wasn't any room for improvement. It was as if we were complete strangers to each other. Before we knew it, they were already adults. We didn't talk. We didn't visit. We had little to no contact.
Eugenia and I didn't try to because we wholeheartedly believed they wanted nothing to do with us. Sometimes I wondered if things could have gone differently if Eugenia and I just did everything at our own time and pace. What if we met a partner we sincerely loved? Could we have become better parents?
Throughout the years, Eugenia and I never got a divorce. We never did fall in love with one another but found that we were good companions to stick with. We were truly awful parents. We allowed our past to take over us. We could have given those kids the life we never got to have but we didn't. Had Eugenia and I been better and braver, we could have been the parents those kids needed and deserved. And because of everything we failed, we were living a life filled with nothing but regret and remorse.
But at least...our kids grew up to be independent.
They all had their own families and worked stable jobs. Even if we didn't see them, their mother and I couldn't be any more proud of them for that. We were both very happy that none of them turned out to be the kind of parents we were. They grew up to be good people despite never having the right role models.
That was all that mattered.
When I thought about my childhood, I realized that there wasn't much of anything to think about. My childhood was taken away by the two people I grew up to be and Eugenia was dragged along with me. Things could have been so much more different. But we already did the same to our kids.
We couldn't turn back time.
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