Published by: Aliyah Margareth Imbat
Date Published: December 23, 2022
Time Published: 1:16 PM
Category: Prose
Theme: Depression, Mourning
//TW: Unhealthy way of coping, Drinking, Self-loathing//
Synopsis: The thought of being alone seems ideal to be even happier. Yet again being left alone also meant suffering.
"God please, save me from this world."
"God please, I beg, let my suffering end."
She continued to pray despite the fact that she is aware that nothing will change. Holding onto a hope that is fading by the minute. What happened? Why did everything go downhill? She woke up sighing and gazing at every corner of the ceiling. Every simple daily activity seems to be a struggle for her to do, getting up already seems like a chore itself. Cursing under her breath, she slowly rose from her bed and dragged her feet and body out of her room.
She made her way to the kitchen only to open the fridge door, and stand there staring at what was inside. Settled to give a solid five minutes of glancing before closing it and deciding to order takeout instead. Snatching her phone from the kitchen table, she then phoned for the delivery of her first meal.
No...
Afternoon meals that were cheap enough and decent enough. She perched on the dining chair, then proceeded to scroll through its menu. Although she didn't feel like indulging, she also didn't enjoy how her stomach felt. Everything hurts, her whole body is in pain, she doesn't remember what happened the night before, she only knows she passed out and woke up the next morning.
She heaved a heavy sigh, turning off the shower head as she massaged her scalp with her soapy palms. She stepped under the running water and rinsed off all of the soap in her body, not letting a single inch of skin leave bubbly. Stepped out of the shower after thirty-five minutes, wrapping the towel around her torso and thighs.
The cold air met her body as she stepped out of the moist and humid bathroom. Walking up to her closet, pulled out a simple hoodie and shorts that would go above her knees. At the best possible time, someone knocked on her door. She realized her food had finally arrived. She hurriedly changed into her clothes and plucked her wallet before racing down to her front door, welcoming the delivery man. Paying the price of her order, to the delivery guy after she got the food, she shut the door behind her.
Then placing her food on the small dining table, she sat down, took the contents of the food out of the bag, and began to eat the food slowly while scrolling through every social media app she ever had. She knows doing so is a bad idea, but she couldn’t care less. After scrolling for several minutes, she started to feel empty and uncomfortable both from her meal and medium of entertainment. She tried to divert herself by scrolling through all of the apps on her phone, but it never worked.
The uneasy feeling still lingers. Groaning in distress, she puts her phone and utensils down. Turning her head to where the cupboards are. She shook her head and allowed her body to drag her to where the cupboards were, removing the bottles from their container and laying them on the counter.
Taking a wine glass and some ice, she then proceeds to pour herself a generous amount of the liquor. All she could do was curse under her breath, press her lips on the rim of the cup; starting to drink the beverage. "Why..?" She grabbed both the ice and the bottle and then prepped herself on the couch, still drinking the alcohol non-stop.
Once she noticed her glass was empty, she poured herself another. "If only.." Leaning back on her couch, she took a quick sip of her drink.
"If only I said something.." She grips her wine glass and then takes another sip.
"Maybe we'll still get to hang out again."
Drink after drink, bottle after bottle, the uneasy emptiness and regret never went away. No matter how much she drank and cried, the person she adores is no longer hers.
"Why didn't I say anything? It's so obvious she doesn't want you.." She inhaled sharply, placing another two ice cubes in her cup, then poured the drink. "What did you love about her?”
She paused for a moment then chuckled bitterly. “What did I love about you?”
A single bead rolled down her cheek. Noticing she was yet again embracing melancholy, she immediately wiped it off and let out a really heavy sigh. She puts her glass down on the coffee table, then puts it down on her couch. She's tired. She doesn't want to live in a world where she only has herself to rely on, to get better. She longs for company, she wants someone to hold, to laugh with, but no, the universe said no.
Hugging her legs as she sat down on the floor, she let out a small chuckle and let her tears slide down her face. "I don't care." She muttered to herself.
"If you're happy, I don't care, but don't come crawling to me if everything goes downhill."
She shuts her eyes trying to sleep everything away.
“Because my life is already ruined, I don't want anyone, especially you, ruining it even more."
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