Published by: Aliyah Margareth Imbat
Date Published: May 6, 2023
Time Published: 10:58 AM
Category: Prose
Theme: Despair
—
In all my years of existence, I couldn’t count the number of times I was asked, “What do you want to be in the future?” or “How do you see yourself after five years?”
I would respond: “To be rich and successful,” because who wouldn’t want to? Everyone studied and worked hard for those reasons. We all wanted to have a better life. Nobody stayed up late and hurt their backs just to remain impoverished.
But, to be honest, those questions don't make sense to me. Because why? It's not like we know what the future holds for us. To be inspired? Well, I became pressured. Or merely just to have a life dream or goal? Maybe.
Realizations then came into my being. It's very difficult to live. It was like you had spent your entire life working hard; Every day seemed like a war; Even if you were severely injured, you had to get back up and fight until your last breath.
—
“I passed!”
That’s what most of my classmates said during our class. They were in tears of delight after being accepted into their desired colleges. The feeling of delight and pride lingered in my heart as they uttered those words; not until I realized that it could never happen to me.
Unlike other kids, or let’s just say my classmates who already knew what they want to be in the future, or what universities they dreamed of, I have none. Unlike them, I haven’t even dared to apply to one.
I don’t have a dream. I don’t even see myself in the next five years. Every time I try to imagine or think of something I want to do in the future, everything was just pitch black.
Tears ran down my cheeks as I held on to my childhood picture. “What have I become?”
I used to be a kid who wanted to do a lot of things. I remembered wanting to be a photographer, designer, writer, artist, and many more. But now, I can’t pursue any of those dreams. I felt like a burned-out candle. All I could feel was remorse for becoming the person I am now. If I ever run into the younger version of myself, I would just tell her to enjoy her childhood as much as she could.
It was so heavy that I couldn't even bring myself to stand up. I fell too deep, I don't even know how to get back up; I was drowning in my tears and blood.
—
Smile.
That’s what the voice inside my head said as I managed to step into our classroom.
I gathered all the energy I had and became the “person” they all know; The person who’s always loud, silly, and outgoing; The person who constantly appears to be cheerful and bright.
“Kayla!” My best friend called me as she noticed me approaching my seat.
I smiled and hugged her tight, trying to comfort myself in her arms without her being aware.
“How are you? I missed you so much,” she said with her sweet voice.
I chuckled. “Silly, it’s just two days. How can you miss me?” I answered, attempting to dodge her first question.
She pouted and bid goodbye, intending to continue what she was doing earlier.
I roamed my eyes across the room as I walked through my seat again, trying to get a glimpse of my classmates laughing with their circle of friends.
I proceeded to the church nearby after school. My heart felt heavy once more; I couldn't stop the tears from falling.
“What lies ahead of me? I don’t know what to do now. Please help me. I’m begging you," I sobbed quietly.
After almost an hour, I walked out of the church with only one thing inside my mind. To know what lies ahead.
After several months…
"You did it, Kayla. You've already done your best." My best friend said as she handed me a fresh bouquet of my favorite flowers.
“We finally graduated, Kayla. We’re going to miss you. Let's get together soon, okay?” My other classmates said.
There were tears all over the place.
Finally, I know what lies ahead now—
It’s me.
No comments:
Post a Comment