𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗥𝗬: “I want to be like you” by Frans Danielle R. Castillo

 

Published by: Daniel Joshua Madrid

Date Published: September 4, 2024

Time Published: 10:33 AM

Category: Prose 

Theme: Having the fear that your younger siblings will take the same path you took

In our family, I'm the eldest. The strong one. The brave one. The one who doesn't make mistakes. The one who understands. The one who takes care of everyone. Because of that, my siblings looked up to me. Especially my sister. 

Whatever clothes I wear, she tries to match with me. Whatever hairstyle I have, she will try to do the same. Whatever mannerisms I have, she will take her time to learn them. She looked up to me so much. 

“I want to be like you.”

I froze. I didn't know what to do or say. All I know is that I was scared. I was scared for her. Because of all people, why me? Why does she want to be like me? 

How can I tell my sister that I’m weak? How can I tell her that I’m a coward? How can I tell her that I’m a failure? How can I tell her that I’ve grown tired of understanding everyone? How can I tell her that the older sister she used to know growing up was just a facade? That it was just a mask that I’ve been wearing my whole life? 

No. I don't want you to grow up like me. I don't want you to take the wrong path I chose to take. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. So I did everything. I did everything just for you not to end up like me, but I didn't realize that you're starting to hate me in the process. 

I chose rage and aggressiveness as a tool to show you why I don't want you to be like me. I chose to run away every time you walk towards me. I chose to shut you out when I was the first person you wanted to tell me everything. I chose not to open the door every time you knock. 

Until the time came where everything went quiet. You mirrored the same rage and aggressiveness that I showed you. I don't hear your footsteps anymore. Our mom is now the first one to know everything about you. You stopped knocking. 

“I don't want to be like you.”

I did it. 

I finally taught you not to want to be like me. Even if I have to lose my sister in the end.