𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗥𝗬: "Solace in Silence" by Khate Ashley Zaneah D. Castillo

 

Published by: John Kurt Gabriel Reyes

Date Published: February 13, 2025

Time Published: 2:59 PM

Category: Prose

Theme: Struggling with trust and vulnerability in the wake of betrayal.

I hate this awful feeling, this creeping inability to trust with the same unbridled abandon I once possessed. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘺𝘢𝘭𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵, rendering me wary and hesitant to offer my trust.

Sometimes I find solace in this guarded stance, a bittersweet victory over the wounds of the past. Yet at other times, 𝘢 𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘭𝘰𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘶𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦.

And that's what bothers me—I loathe my self for it—how my self-built defenses end up wounding the same people who sincerely care about my welfare. It's like their love and care, that undying devotion gets churned into poisonous elixir by my negative thoughts.

𝘗𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦-𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘷𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘴𝘩 𝘵𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦.

It is a recourse to self-preservation, a last ditch effort to avoid the inevitable pain of rejection—the chilling abandonment that has become a recurring nightmare in my life. I fear the day I am left adrift, like a lost ship at sea, ignored and forgotten to nothing more than a footnote in the lives of those who swore eternal love to me.

I am haunted by selfishness, something I detest yet cannot seem to shake off. I did not opt for this loneliness.

𝘐𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴, 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬?

Especially when facing the unknown. Fear, a remorseless tormentor gnaws at my soul.

𝘐𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘥?

I want to be understood, to be recognized for the deep pain that drives my reticence.

In the silence of my loneliness, I hold on to a faint hope, a fragile prayer that someone, somewhere, will have the strength to withstand the tribulations of my battered heart. Someone who will fill the gap of my mistrust, someone who will extend his hand, his heart, his unconditional love without a shadow of doubt and without a single hesitation.

𝘓𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺.