Classification: Prose
Theme: Losses
Synopsis: Losing someone is extremely hard for everyone, but to a child, losing someone they loved is one of the hardest things they would have a go through.
There was a time in my life when I was at my worst when I felt the most helpless and weakest as I bore the fear and burden of losing the only person I thought I had left. This was the time when I was more vulnerable than ever.
My parents both served in the military, hence they were often deployed and fighting against enemies. Three years ago, when I was sixteen, I lost both of them, leaving me and my then seven-year-old little sister, Roseanne, on our own, and the next step for us was to become orphans.
This news broke me. The second after my aunt told me about their deaths, my heart ached so bad that it felt as if it was going to stop. My vision blurred and all I could hear was the sound of my sister wailing and sobbing. I stood there, petrified, unable to move or even say a word as my eyes began to swell up.
Thoughts of denial ran back and forth in my mind, not accepting that my mother and father had not come back when they both swore they would. At that moment, I prayed that everything was one horrible nightmare and that I would wake up any minute then. But everything was real.
I felt tears start to form in my eyes, I felt my sister hugging me as she buried her face in my shirt that she was tightly clenching and our aunt embraced both of us and was loudly sobbing alongside my sister.
Eventually, my vision blackened before I felt myself collapse to the ground on my knees, and everything else that happened after that is just a big blur now. All I remember was the sound of me uncontrollably crying and sobbing like a newborn baby as I protectively embraced my sister in my arms.
I passed out.
When I woke up, I was laying on my bed with my sister asleep and snuggled comfortably next to me. I heard the voices of my relatives outside, discussing what would be best for Roseanne and me. Everything came falling back on me, about how my parents didn't make it out of war.
I shed a few tears again as I whimpered but made sure to be quiet because I didn't want to wake up my sister who looked like she cried herself to sleep. The bottom of her eyes was puffy and red and I could see that some parts of my pillow were wet from her crying.
At that moment, I contemplated what could happen to us, what would happen to my sister. I realized that she was all I had left. She was all I had of our mother and father. I didn't care about myself, I was only concerned about her.
The two of us were extremely close to our parents despite them being rarely home, but Roseanne and I both acknowledged how hard-working they were. But the hard work and service they offered our country led to their death. And that fact haunted me.
Soldiers pay with their lives and blood in exchange for the safety and peace of their country. Once they charge into battle, there isn't going back.
Mother and Father were extremely loving and caring parents toward us. They made Roseanne and me happier than any person did. The two of them cared about us unconditionally and offered us more love than we could ever ask for. And we lost them...just like that. We didn't even get to see them first and didn't get to say goodbye.
Why did they leave us? They promised they would return…
I wondered how on Earth could my sister and I be as happy without them. What would we ever do without the people who raised us... We loved those two so much and we couldn't live without them.
I didn't want my sister to see my worries and concerns. I couldn't let her see me in a bad state because I didn't want to upset her more than she was.
Roseanne and I were all we had left, and I didn't want to lose her, and I didn't want her to lose me. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my sister. I loved her so much and seeing her in a state of collapse was pushing me over the edge even more. I needed to be happy for her, so I could see her happy as well, even if I was faking everything. But I was willing to do anything just to put a smile on my sister's face.
So, at that moment, I swore that I would never turn my back on her. I will never forsake her and run off. I would protect her with my life and always try my best to put a genuine smile on her face. That's what Mother and Father would have wanted for Roseanne. As long as my sister was happy, then I was already content with that.
But I never considered my feelings and thought that they didn't matter because Roseanne was my first and only priority.
Those past few nights, my sister couldn't sleep in her own bed. She always asked to sleep in mine, and on some nights, she would wake up crying after a nightmare, and calming her down isn't simple. If Mother were there, Roseanne would have been at ease a lot sooner. Mother always knew what to say to us.
I didn't go to school either. I didn't have the energy or the heart. And the entire time I was out of school, I did nothing but stay with my sister. I was in college at this time and by going back to school, I would have to go back to living in the dormitories, hence I would be away from Roseanne. I wasn't willing to do that.
I couldn't leave her alone for even a moment because I was so scared that if I turn away for even a second, she would be gone, I would lose her, just like our parents, and I would be left alone without any family.
At the time I was still mourning, I felt everything inside me shut down and collapse. I couldn't feel a single thing and my vision became narrowed. All I could see in front of me was the sister I loved so much and was the only thing lighting up my life, the sister I felt the strong need to protect. She was all I could think about.
My mental health continuously got worse, and the intense fear of losing Roseanne didn't help it. The only resolution and solace I had were seeing her happy, but that could only do so much for me. I put on a smile for Roseanne to enjoy and see. But I would let all my frustration out once I was alone, and I would do that by crying and breaking anything in my sight.
Each passing day got harder and harder to bear to the point where getting up from bed felt like a challenge for me. I felt ready to give up, but I didn't have the will to do that to myself because my sister would be alone.
I could almost assure you that if I had lost my sister at this time when I felt the weakest and most vulnerable, I would have spiraled down dead.
When I thought things couldn't get any worse, at that time, I thought faith happened to be against me because two people who I never even for a moment thought would ever step up, did.
After two months, my Father's parents, and my grandparents, came to my home with my aunts, and my father's older sisters. My mother detached from her side of the family after they found out that she was pregnant with me, hence why Roseanne and I never knew them.
My aunts explained that our grandparents wanted to take care of Roseanne and me, and after all of our close relatives had a long talk with them, they finally agreed.
I was anything but happy with that.
I knew the history between my grandparents and my father and his siblings. My father had always told me how his parents treated them.
My grandmother and grandfather were both very absent parents and were very hard on their kids. My father mentioned how they were abusive in a way.
Because of the very bad relationship my father has with his parents, I have only seen them at least three times in my life, and I realized just how much they had failed as parents upon seeing them insult and belittle their kids when I did see them.
While my sister at that time only met those two once when she was a two-year-old baby.
So, I was never fond of my grandparents for everything they had made my family go through.
After my aunt finished her sentence, my grandparents approached my sister and me and tried to make peace with us, but I slowly shook my head before yelling that everything was bullshit.
"Is this a bloody joke?! Everything about this is pure and utter nonsense! After everything these two made you and your family go through, you are leaving us under their care?! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND?!! Roseanne and I hardly ever saw them in the past!! I know what these two did to you and Father, and I am not exposing my little sister to two damn turds who failed as parents!!"
I then picked up my sister who was clueless as ever before storming out of the room. I locked ourselves in my bedroom and refused to come out even after my aunt was pleading for us to do so.
At some point, Roseanne sat next to me and said that she wouldn't mind if our grandparents were to take us in. I tried my best to gently explain to her what kind of people they were, and even to this day, I'm not sure if she understood me, but she said that maybe they wouldn't fail us as grandparents and mentioned how they would be the closest we could ever get to parents again.
Roseanne said that she sensed that the two wanted to be better for us and she was sure the two of us could be happy with them.
I stayed silent for a long time before I ruffled her hair and said that I would think about it.
My sister seemed very optimistic about them and willing to give them a chance, but I was too cautious and adamant that they were bad people who wouldn't care about us. But I also considered that maybe Rosabelle was right, and it would make her so happy if we gave our grandparents a chance.
So, after a lot of deciding, I alongside Roseanne agreed to let our grandparents take us in.
And I was pleasantly surprised that they treated us better than I imagined. They truly did want to redeem themselves and they said that even though they couldn't correct the mistakes they did as parents, they could make up for them by being good grandparents to us.
I was speechless at that time. All those years, I thought that my grandmother and grandfather were nothing but bad people who couldn't care any less for their family, but I was wrong.
Roseanne absolutely loved the two and even at some point began calling them Mama and Papa. Seeing her so happy softened me, but I wasn't sure what I was feeling. Our grandparents treated us as their own, but I knew that by the end of the day, they weren't my mother and father.
I eventually returned to school after a few weeks upon seeing Rosabelle being properly taken care of. But being away from her absolutely killed me, and Mother and Father could not leave my mind for even a moment.
I could barely pay attention to the professor and I began to skip classes to just wander the hallways because I didn't have the will to study. I felt so empty, yearning for nothing more but to see my parents alive again. I missed them so much, and my intense fear of losing my sister while I was away from her kept me up at night.
I wanted to go home, but it felt as if I didn't have one anymore because my parents weren't in it. I didn't have friends either, but my classmates noticed the visible change in my behavior. I used to be an outgoing and extroverted person, but after the death of my parents, I became an outcast and grew colder.
Whenever my professors would ask me if something was bothering me, I would simply smile and answer no, not wanting them to deal with my own issues.
I had no one to speak to about my problems. I didn't want to tell my grandparents because I didn't want to be a burden to them, and I didn't want to tell my sister because I didn't want her to worry about me. She had been healing so much and I didn't want to ruin that for her.
Whenever the school week had passed, I would go back to my house, excited to see Roseanne again. But every time I do go back, the sight I see all the time made me happy while it simultaneously made me feel distraught.
Roseanne always looked so happy and content with our grandparents. She wasn't even ringing me whenever I was in my dorm as often anymore because our grandparents always kept her company. They made her so much happier than I've ever made her.
While I was happy with that, it also made me fear that the two of us would slowly stray away from each other. I missed those times when I would be the person that would make my sister smile and laugh. Seeing her give those gestures to someone else while I was away made me feel a slight ache in my heart.
Finally, after a few months, I came to the hurtful conclusion that Roseanne didn't need me anymore. She already had others to make her happy. Whenever she was with our grandparents, I'd never seen her smile so brightly before. I realized that I could only do so much for her, unlike our grandparents.
She didn't need her brother to be there for her anymore. Other and better people had taken my place in her heart. I thought that Roseanne was happier and better off with them than a broken, unstable, and vulnerable teenager like me. I had done my part. I didn't have a reason to be there anymore. It was time for others to care for my little sister.
Roseanne was already with someone, and so I thought I had no one anymore now that others offered my sister a better life than I could ever give her as her brother. I had no reason to keep living.
This was the final straw for me. Finally, the demons inside me had pushed me over the edge.
After school, I came to the back of the campus, away from teachers and students, and then pulled out a fresh new bottle of pills. I wrote a long suicide note explaining everything I had been feeling ever since the death of my two beloved parents and placed it on my left. I then opened the bottle and consumed at least ten pills, all at the same time.
I felt everything around me spin and my heart began to race as if I had drank at least ten cups of coffee during lunch. My breathing became slower and slower before I felt my body collapse on the ground.
"Mother...father...I'm coming. Please wait for your son..." I weakly mumbled while a tear escaped my eye as I felt my consciousness slowly slip away.
Everything is a big blur, but I remember one moment that could never leave my mind. I have a faint memory of being moved inside the hospital on a wheeled stretcher. The faces of the nurses that were wheeling me are a blur, but I heard my little sister yelling and crying out my name. I also heard our grandparents trying to settle her down, but by the sound of their voices, it was evident that they were shedding tears as well.
The last time I heard my sister cry like that was during the funeral of our parents. At that moment, I thought to myself, "What have I done."
When I opened my eyes again, I heard the soft beeping of a heart monitor as my eyes adjusted to the light. I felt a sharp migraine in my head, causing me to let out a painful groan. I immediately heard the sound of running come toward me before my grandmother tightly embraced me as she cried in my chest. My grandfather was on my left, looking at me with an expression mixed with relief and worry.
I've never seen my grandmother cry before. She had always been a firm and strict woman. I didn't even think she was capable of shedding a tear. And my grandfather was a very unemotional and stoic man, so that was the most emotion I had ever seen him show.
They both explained to me that after I passed out, a janitor saw my unconscious body and immediately called the Head Teacher who called an ambulance. As I was being rushed to the hospital, the Head Teacher called them and explained everything. I had somehow miraculously survived an overdose. They then handed me the note that I wrote before consuming the pills that should have killed me.
When I asked where my sister was, Grandfather said that they had her driven back home a few hours ago for her to get some rest.
Finally, my grandmother tearfully asked why have I kept quiet all this time when I was going through so much.
I looked at both her and Grandfather before I broke down into tears. I explained while sobbing just how much I wanted to see my parents again and how lonely I felt without them. I said how I felt that I had lost my little sister as well. I told them everything, not leaving out anything.
I managed to talk to my grandparents, and they listened and understood every word I said. I finally had the conversation I needed with them for so long, and not once had they invalidated my feelings.
By the end of it, my grandmother took my hand and told me that everything was going to be alright and that they were going to help me get through my struggles.
The next day, my sister arrived at the hospital and she immediately jumped into my arms in a tight embrace. She was quietly crying in my chest, mumbling out, "Big brother..." I tightly embraced her in my arms as I kept tearfully apologizing that I was about to leave her.
After I was discharged from the hospital, my grandparents pulled me out of school and put me into counseling. I was finally given the help I needed for so long, and my family was with me with every step.
I was too scared to speak up about my problems because I didn't want anyone around me to worry, but the more I kept my silence, the more I made them worry.
I lost the parents I loved and cherished so much. I was mentally and physically ready to give up when I was sixteen. This was the darkest time I've ever experienced in my childhood. A moment where I felt so utterly lost, alone, and hopeless after losing the two people that guided me through everything.
I prioritized others over myself, and that nearly caused my death of me. But I eventually realized that I didn't lose everything. I still had a loving sister and two amazing grandparents, and despite how much I want my parents back, I wouldn't replace the people in my life for anyone else.
I'm nineteen now, and Roseanne recently had her 10th birthday last week. I managed to come back to college a year ago. I have a better and closer relationship with our grandparents now. I'm doing much better and I managed to finally stop mourning several months after my attempted suicide.
There's still a hole in my heart for Mother and Father, but wounds heal over time, and the scar is a reminder that I survived.
That day, I promised myself that I would get better and take care of myself.
I just needed to learn that time that I wasn't alone and I wasn't a burden to those around me. I won't give up on myself ever again, because by doing that, I would be leaving the people I care about.
Published by: Julianne Rose M. Laureano
Date Published: May 30, 2022
Time Published: 5:27 pm
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