Category: Prose
Theme: The feeling of being too much and not enough at the same time.
It looks like they’re telling me everything I need to know. They tell me I take up too much space, because it isn’t the room that trembles under my presence—but me. Shrinking and folding, the endless effort of wanting to know, to be small, to be quieter, and easier to love. I don’t want to smile; but I’ll smile. My chest feels heavy and harder to breathe; but I’ll laugh. The rival that I've been fighting for quite a while is my reflection, yet also a stranger. It’s the one I cannot seemingly win against, the one who reminds me everyday that I am not enough, yet somehow still too much.
I lean on people as if they are anchors, desperate and depending on their steadiness. Hoping that they would somehow balance me. But.. It’s ironic because I flinch, whenever they reach out to me. Pushing them away, convinces me that closeness reveals the ugliness that I’ve been trying so hard to hide. A cycle I cannot escape—wanting love and needing comfort but fearing and rejecting the idea of it. And when they start to slip away and finally leave, I’d tell myself that I was right all along. No one stays.
The ugly truth is that... I dismiss everything before it has the chance to grow. It's the fact that every kindness feels borrowed, every promise is fragile, every bond is temporary. So, I tell myself that I don't deserve it. I strip it away before it latches on to me and blooms. What wounds me the most is the quiet realization that I am the one who carves the distance. I keep building walls, and then always mourn the silence on the other side.I am too much to handle, but just not enough to stay. And it’s my own fault.
If I am too much, then so be it. I’ll be too much—to be invisible, to be erased, to keep pretending I am less. Because, I know and learn. I know that love is something I can’t seem to hold on to, so I will learn to take the step to hold myself first. To fix every flaw and fragile thing about me. I pray and hope that perhaps one day, the echoes of my raging self-deprecation will calm itself into something gentler and that I will no longer believe I am too much.
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