Published by: Rhina Ruth Galano
Date published: December 22, 2022
Time published: 12:15 PM
Category: Poetry
Theme: Abandonment, Doubt, Choices, Faith.
TW: MINOR MENTION OF SUICIDE
__________
By God, what was I doing on that rooftop?!
Could I not stay on that Earth for long?
Had it faded–my motivation to fight my demons?
If so, then why had I strived to fight for so long?
Lord, answer me, where has it all gone?
I could never comprehend this meaningless life,
Never understanding my place or these emotions in my mind:
Was I happy? Was I sad? Was I content with this awful life?
But what on Earth had I done wrong to deserve what I got?
God, was I an evil monster in my past life?
(Or did life just despise my existence?)
God forbid I decide to jump and plummet off that building!
But was it pointless to try and stop what I was doing?
Was I willing to throw away all of my efforts–
To experience potential peace in the afterlife?
Or perhaps there was no God and no "afterlife."
What would happen if I jumped right there–
And arrived at an uncertain place at an uncertain time?
Would I be happy or would I regret it immediately?
Even at that moment of time, my questions were flowing repeatedly.
Lord, God, heavenly king, help me experience even a moment of peace.
"Just jump! There is no point!"
"No, go back! You're only fourteen!"
And yet, I only stood there!
Frozen still, eyes down at the city, so uncertain–
That I even considered for a moment going back.
But to throw the fourteen years of my life away?!
(Was it worth it for the price of uncertain tranquillity?)
God, why had you forsaken me?
I was always weeping and shouting for help–
And not even you had come to offer me that desperate need!
You never came to help me when I was most vulnerable,
Did you hate me or did you not care for this helpless child?
No one ever got everything he or she wanted,
And not everything in life goes according to what we command,
But for all fourteen years of my life, I only asked for one thing–
The token of love and intimacy,
For someone to love me the same way I could love them endlessly!
Albeit, was I being too greedy?
Or was everything I had gone through worth nothing?
I stood there, staring down at the city ever so intently.
Was that very moment the proof that I threw everything away?
Had it been meaningless, all my efforts of trying to be happy?
But maybe I was being delusional,
Maybe my life wasn't so bad, after all.
And that I had hated myself so much–
That I had convinced myself that my life was this empty void.
If so, I should have been more thankful and appreciative of what I had.
But...at that moment I just couldn't.
I had been through too much pain,
I had shed too many tears,
And I had too many scars to consider that my life wasn't hell.
Everything, all the misery, was too much,
May the Lord forgive me but I had enough!
Those fourteen years weren't worth it,
And I wasn't about to repeat it!
What were another fourteen years of the same hell,
If I could jump right there–
And bid that God-forsaken life farewell?
I didn't care if the heavenly father was watching me,
I would abandon him as he abandoned me.
After all, everything was pointless,
My very existence lacked meaning!
So, there wasn't any reason to keep on living.
(Image link: https://pin.it/4XAHoQG)
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