𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗥𝗬: “I lied” by Frans Danielle R. Castillo

 

Published by: Xenon Linsie Espeleta

Date Published: August 28, 2024

Time Published: 12:17 PM

Category: Prose 

Theme: Choosing to lose the chance rather than take the risk 

I honestly don't know how many times I have written about and for you. I don't know how many times I have written the things that I’ve been dying to say until I finally had the courage to tell you, only to find out I was already too late. Just when I thought I was almost there to hold your hand. 

 

I tried to stop these feelings for you. I promise you, I tried. I was already content with us being just friends, because in that way, I could be close to you. I can constantly hear your voice, which makes me forget that we're not the only ones in this world. I can see your smile up close, which makes my heart skip a beat. I have the privilege to be called by the nickname you have personally given me. I was already content with being just your friend. I can live without holding your hand. I can live without having the chance of being yours. 

 

One night, you asked me if I loved the stars when we were watching “The Little Prince." I immediately said yes. If only you knew that what I actually wanted to say that night was “I love you.” Because you always remind me of the stars, with how you shine the brightest in a room of people. You always remind me of everything, big or small. In that way, I have learned how to love life by loving you. 

 

You can call me in the middle of the night just to cry your heart out, and I will immediately answer it. Even if I'm in a life-or-death situation, I will still choose to answer your call. I will still choose you despite the odds. I'd still choose you with no certainty that you'd choose me too. 

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“It's fine. I'm not expecting anything in return.”

 

Then it hit me. Hah. Who am I even kidding? I lied. I don't want to be your friend. I'm sorry if I want you like a lover. I want to be by your side as you let yourself unravel for me. I want to be someone you aren't afraid to be yourself with. I want to love you in a way people from your past couldn't.

I lied. I'd rather die than live a life where I haven't had the chance to hold your hand. Where I haven't had the chance to be yours. So, please, by any chance, if the universe chooses to be good to us this time, call my name. Call my name, and I’ll immediately run back to you.