It was a sunny afternoon. I’d only been locked in my room for almost three days, since the semestral break. I had also finished reading nine of my books to entertain myself and I didn’t use my phone so I couldn’t talk to anyone because I want to be alone. I hadn’t done anything in the past few days but I felt like I was exhausted.
I was in the middle of reading when I heard someone knocking. “Ayana?” It was Mom. She was silent for a moment as if waiting for me to answer. But I just kept staring at the door. “Ayana your friend Jadie is here, she’s waiting for you. Can you let her in?” she added. I didn’t hesitate to open the door. I peeked outside for a moment and saw Jadie’s smile. I looked at my Mom first who had turned around and was going down the stairs before I finally let Jadie into my room.
“So, what happened?” she asked as she finally entered my room. But I just shrugged my shoulders. Jadie took a deep breath. “You’ll feel better when you take all that out, I’ll listen.” She smiled sweetly.
“He told me that there was something between him and our friend Xyza. He was very happy, his eyes were sparkling just like the stars in the sky when he was telling me about them. There I was, smiling in front of him pretending that I was happy too, for the both of them,” and I smiled bitterly.
I laughed. “It’s not surprising that he likes Xyza, isn’t it? She was talented, what am I up against there? I don’t even have one." I looked at the mirror on my study table. “Look, I look like a rotting potato, also my cheeks are fat. It’s frustrating” I added.
“Are you stupid? You have talent Ayana, your voice is so beautiful-“
“What? Is your hearing damaged? My voice is so cold, my voice is even colder than the ice here in my juice,” I said when I cut off what she was going to say.
Jadie just shook her head “What did you say? You look like a rotten potato? Ayana, you look gorge–” I cut her off again.
“Jadie, if I’m really beautiful I don’t have to spend more just to buy these cosmetics products, and one more thing if I am really beautiful, I should have a boyfrie-“
“Hep! Correction, you’re making everyone who likes you to be your friend, Ayana. And! There are a lot of guys in your spam messages who want to get to know you but you didn’t even pay attention,” she said as she cut off what I was about to say. Maybe Jadie has a point, but it doesn’t mean I’m a snob, just to be clear. I’m just not comfortable talking to others especially when we’re not close and I’d just keep my distance from people because of what happened in the past. I didn’t want to repeat and even remember everything.
I didn’t argue with Jadie anymore because I knew that I wouldn’t win against her either.
—
It had been almost three months since Jadie and I talked about what happened to me.
I was about to sleep when I heard my notification tone. “Ayana?” I read, looks like someone needs my help again. I thought that they had no other choice so I was the one they were asking for a favor. Just kidding.
It was already late, what does he need? He even sent me a message at almost 1 o’clock in the morning. We still have classes tomorrow...later rather. I would send my reply immediately. “Rohan?”
Rohan was my friend, and the person I liked at the same time. Just a month ago, we’d been talking about his relationship with Xyza. I thought they had a relationship, but no. They just liked each other. He even asked me if he should give up, but I told him to fight for his love because I can see and feel that he loved Xyza even though Xyza was already making him feel that he doesn’t exist.
But only a few days passed. Xyza told him that he has to give up because she was no longer in love with him. So, he did nothing but stop. I was also hurt as I could see he was hurting so much. Not because I liked him, but because he was my friend.
“Are you still talking to Luke?” he replied.
“Huh? Yes, coz’ he always sends messages to me.”
“But you said before that you’re just friends, right? How about Zildjian?” he asked again.
“Same as Luke?” I replied. I don’t know why he asked such questions.
“Is there something between the two of you?” he asked again.
What the—doesn’t he run out of questions?
“What? No, nothing. Both are just my friends,” I answered.
“If one of them will court you, is there any chance?”
“None. Hahahaha,” I replied immediately.
“Why are you laughing? I’m serious you know,” he said.
“Why? Is it bad? Hahahaha.”
“What if Brent courts you?”
“What the heck? You’ve done it all”
“Just answer, Ayana!”
“Not either, we’re just friends, Rohan.”
“What if, I...courted you?” I was stunned, is he serious this time?
I suddenly remembered what he said last week, that someone seems to like me. But he didn’t tell me who it was. I wondered if it was one of our three friends so he asked such questions, or maybe it was really him? I just shook my head. That was so impossible.
“So, who’s this someone who likes me?” I asked to change the topic.
“Me,” he simply replied, as if he didn’t think twice about what he was going to answer.
But I thought it was a joke so I forced him to know who it really was. Suddenly my heart beat real fast when he answered me.
“It’s hard to like you, Ayana. All people around you are adjusting to you.” Oh God, was he mad? “Are you aware of how many guys like you?” I didn’t know how and what I should answer. I suddenly ran out of things to say.
“Oh god, so you’re serious?” I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to hide inside a hole.
“just a little, thanks for the feedback” he replied.
“Really? Seriously?” I still couldn’t believe it.
“Slight feelings maybe? I don’t...know? Of course moving on, getting desperate to forget, you know?” he replied. I knew it...and it hurts.
Was this real or just a dream? Rohan confessed about how he felt for me. And if I was just dreaming...never wake me up, please. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel, but I really couldn’t understand. Should I be happy because he liked me? Or should I be sad because he was just using me as his rebound?
—
Days had passed. He tried to talk to me several times but I avoided him, though I wanted to talk to him. To clarify everything he said to me that night.
“Class dismissed,” my English teacher said while carrying her belongings and left the room. I hurriedly picked up my things and went straight to the locker. I was about to go to the canteen when someone suddenly grabbed my wrist. It was Rohan.
I just looked at him and waited for him to say something. “Ayana,” he whispered. I frowned. “Let’s talk, please?” he said softly.
I sighed. “What’s the problem, Ayana? Why are you avoiding me? Why aren’t you talking to me? You didn’t answer my calls and messages. Please don’t just stare at me, answer me instead,” he added.
Tears welled up in my eyes. “I still can’t talk to you. I’m still hurt, Rohan. I am always there by your side whenever you need someone to lean on, whenever you are hurting. But why are you blind when it comes to me? Why can’t you see the efforts I’m making to make you happy and to keep you from feeling alone and hurting?”
“Ayana..” he whispered my name again. I bit the bottom of my lip. He really knew what my weakness was.
He pulled me closer to him and hugged me tightly. “I miss you already, Ayana.” He said, I could feel his breath on my neck and the tears that had previously threatened to drip had finally fallen. “You are the light in my world that has been covered by darkness, Ayana.”
I didn't realize it but I hugged him back. “I love you and miss you so much, Rohan,” I said.
He wiped the tears from my cheeks and we both laughed at the cruelty we both had.
We ate with some of our friends, including Xyza. They didn’t know what was going on between the two of us. I didn’t know if it was right for us to have a relationship, even though he didn’t become Xyza’s boyfriend.
Days passed. Our friends continued to tease Rohan and Xyza. I went along with the teasing even when it hurt for me. Rohan wanted to tell our friends the relationship we both have, but I stopped him. I was not ready.
We were both sitting in an outdoor café at La Cathedral Café, where we can see the Manila Cathedral church. The church where I dreamed to get married.
It was as if the cold wind was embracing me. I slowly closed my eyes and felt the cold air as I hugged myself. It was a bit dark here and only the moon serves as our light. I looked up for a moment and examined the moon.
Tonight, the total lunar eclipse would happen.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I could see how the eclipse happened. Sign that the Earth, Sun, and Moon were aligned. I didn’t know why I suddenly felt sad as the eclipse gradually disappeared and the moon was left intact.
I turned my gaze to Rohan. He didn’t even bother to speak. Since we came here, he had been quiet. “Rohan...” I called him worried.
He took a deep breath. “I’m scared... our relationship is in doubt eh.”
I nodded “Are you sure about me?” I asked. “I like you,” he answered. I sighed in relief.
“I’m too attached to you. Tell me right away, I don’t want to get hurt." I faked my laugh.
“Do you realize what will happen if this continues?” as he was referring to the relationship between us.
“Yes, and why should I be afraid?” I asked frowning.
“Ayana, look. Luke is my friend, also Zildjian. Everyone knows that they like you. How about Brent? Between Xyza and I?” he said.
“Why are you afraid?” I asked while looking straight into his eyes.
“I don’t want to be the center of issues. I don’t want to be talked about.” I smiled.
“You will also be affected, and I also don’t want others to talk about you because of this.”
My forehead furrowed. “Why would I be affected by what they say if I wanted it too? I’m not doing anything wrong,” I said. I was just loving you.
“Even if we wait for the right time, our situation is still difficult. Please, Ayana, depend on those around you. Think about what they will say,” he spoke directly. It was painful.
“If you can’t fight for what you feel for me, I understand. You will always think about what others will say, but how about me?” I laughed bitterly.
“Do you think it’s just you? It’s also hard for me, Ayana”
“They were able to decide for themselves without thinking about what I would say. But it’s your choice, Rohan. I won’t stop you.”
“No matter how long we wait, there is still nothing. Maybe, you just need to stop loving me.” I felt like fainting. “I don’t want them to talk about you just because of this.” He repeated.
“Well, I can’t. I’m going home, Rohan.”
I said and stood up.
“Don’t you understand? When they find out what is between us, they will all talk about us!” he said furiously.
“It’s up to you, isn’t it? I’m not stopping you, I understand.” I don’t want to hear what he had to say next. I was already in pain.
“We can’t be together, Ayana. Our situation is complicated. I like you but it’s a difficult case,” he said softly.
Tears spontaneously dripped from my eyes. I averted my eyes from him. "Rohan, please stop.” Because I’m hurting. He stood up and anxiously looked at me.
“I’m sorry, Ayana. I was in a hurry, I didn’t think about how you felt. I was selfish.” He bit his lip and looked at me.
I shook my head. “No, Rohan. It’s okay,” and I smiled sweetly.
“Are you okay?” He asked worriedly. No. I’m hurting. Yet I just nodded in response.
“Bad move, but I’m glad you were with me,” he said and held my hand.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to be sorry.” And I retrieve my hand from him.
“Sorry, Ayana. I’m very selfish.” I smiled and shook my head. I need to go. You don’t have to take me home. Be careful,” I said and walked away. I didn’t look at him anymore. The tears seemed to stop dripping from my eyes.
—
Every time his name showed at the top of my notification bar, the more I felt something strange. I didn’t know how we became closer when our class started. The first time I saw him in the corridor, time seemed to slow down and I saw no one but him. The color of his clothes wasn’t that bright, but I immediately noticed him, he was wearing a shirt and a denim pants. He was also wearing a cap. So how come he was the first guy I'd notice?
I already knew almost all of my classmates. I was pretty close to them. But when I called his name and he looked at me, that was when I knew I fell.
I hope he was doing great. I wanted to help him with his studies, especially with the subjects he was weak at, but I can’t. I didn’t even know if I could still talk to him, knowing that I would still be with him until our school year ends.
I honestly missed him so much. How could I not? The two of us ended our love affair that hadn’t even started yet, because he was afraid that others would find out. Because he was afraid of how they would react. And if I wanted to bring back the day that I confessed to him, I would not have just joked. He was not like other guys, he was different. He doesn’t like my clingy side, because I always feel angry every time they talk to him.
But the question was where am I? In his mind or his heart? Did he truly love me the same way I loved him?
Three months had passed. I was downhearted. Maybe all I could do was to set him free. I wouldn’t be happy if I kept carrying it. The pain. I also had no other reason to carry on, I had nothing else to do but let him go as well as how I felt for him.
Along with commemorating Independence Day of the Philippines, I was also forgetting my feelings for him who continued to torture me even though I couldn’t. I have no other reason to continue because no matter what I did, nothing would change. I would just keep on drowning in deep thoughts. As deep as the ocean.
"Are you coming back? How do we endure the pain of having inevitable consequences? Why does the person hurt when choosing love? Why is there ambiguity in love?" These were the questions that were always troubling my mind.
I could no longer ask myself over and over again of questions that were yet to be answered, or questions that only he, could answer. Until then, I didn’t want to do it again and fight— just in case the story of the two of us, as the main characters can continue.
How did the pain change a person? In just one pain, million memories would be forgotten and a billion promises would never be fulfilled.
It was still you, but I’m happy we’re still friends, Rohan
No comments:
Post a Comment