Published by: Francen Anne Perez
Date Published: August 21, 2025
Time Published: 12:15 PM
Category: Prose
Theme: A Journey of an Avoidant Attachment in Life Relationships.
“If you really love someone, why do you keep letting them go?” It felt like a knife was pointed at me when I was asked by my internet friend last August. I never got the courage to respond—her account is now deactivated and that question still haunts me at night.
How do I explain that my affection will cause agony if I’ll be countered with the quote “To love is to suffer, if you’re not suffering then you’ve not loved.” I’ll never be able to shape my words properly no matter how hard I’ll try, for my reasoning will equate as an excuse for my habit of running away when things get heavy.
But I wasn’t running away as an excuse—I’m running away to save you from myself.
I’m not scared of the accountability nor the consequences that I must face due to the fact that I’ve hurt someone so badly. In fact, you can stand in front of me and curse me, tell me everything that I did that hurt you, tell me what you’ve seen in me and how I really turned out to be. As long as after this, we shall vow to never talk to each other again, I’ll make sure that you’ll somehow feel that it never happened—I never happened.
It was the fear, the anxiety lingering around accompanied by the thought; If I was able to hurt you unknowingly before, what more in the future? Due to the fact that I express my love differently. No, it wasn’t between the sweetness of the chocolates nor the fragrance of roses, not even placed on the strokes and curve lines from my letters. My warmth for affection lingers between the curses I’ve thrown between a silly argument with my friend, the eyerolls I’ve made when someone compliments me. There was a lying “I love you too, please stay” beneath every “ew” and “yuck” comments I’ve made when someone tells me how much appreciated I am.
Pushing was the first response that could save me from the heartache that was never there but some voices in my mind told me that they saw it lingering around. Pushing and not saying it back was the safest I could do. There’s one thing I’ve neglected when considering the safety of my heart—how it could ruin my friend’s and people around me. How every breath of relief for me was an ache for them as we’ve revolved on a cycle of “This is how I love” and “Aki must’ve hated me.”
And so, I’ve let go of those people I love as I hold on to the thought and fact that no matter how I tried loving someone the way they want to, I can never change and shape myself due to the distress that the concept of change may bring to me. I’ve tried, we all tried, I was trying to prevent them from getting hurt and being damaged, unfortunately, the harm I am talking about and trying to protect them from, is the form I am in.
No one chooses to be like this. Why would I choose to hurt beautiful souls of beautiful people knowing that I could’ve loved freely?
I was shaped into this ball of madness that you cannot read due to the environment I grew up in. There were no apologies after fights, heart-wrenching words were either thrown due to hatred or as a joke, the chocolates they’ve feed me were dark and bitter, the roses I’ve received were rotten—but I must be grateful for it, and none from my family wrote letters to ease someone’s agony.
I have nothing but to compromise, either to explain to people how I love and see the uneasiness in their actions whenever I express my affection or to never let them in my life at all. I am still somehow desperate for them to see the kindness in me even if it contradicts my actions and choice of words.
I hope I can form the words “I love you” “I miss you” “I appreciate you a lot!” without my stomach experiencing twirls of emotions, without my throat clogging, with all the intention of sincerity to be expressed properly.
However, while I heal, I’ll have no other choice but to still save them from me and from what pain I could bring them. Because there are times that apologies and explanations do not lessen the damage to the person. It will be a long run, and we shall not rush. May one day we’ll be ready to face and embrace the gift of life and love.
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