She couldn't move on. Her view towards him never changed. He was still this sweet guy that she talked to.
It had been months, and she didn't want to feel this way anymore. They didn't talk anymore, their conversation was close to empty.
Phoning her friend was her last resort. She dialed her number and started prattling ridiculous things. At least, to express her emotions.
Thankfully, her friend understood what was happening. She told her to take a pen and a paper to jot down every memory and emotion she never expressed. In a form of a letter and to be never read by anyone.
"What's a good title that resembles him? Should I make it romantic or casual? I mean he is that special to me, but it was just back then."
Her hand cupped her cheeks as her elbows rest against the surface of her table. The sound of pen flicking signaled her pondering. Until she came up with a perfect one.
'My haven' was chosen among five choices. She started writing as her emotions sustained.
"My haven, I’m writing this for you, but I'm not ready to deliver. All these warmth I kept, are now coming back and retaliating. I've always been displaying this cold aura, but melts when I converse with you."
The pen moved swiftly across the paper as her emotions dwell. A message that would never be sent; clear feelings. Those parleys while subject discussions, before class reminders, and after class babble. Every moment was lively, not after she confessed.
"I thought I was only captivated by your looks, but oh, when I started talking with you. You passed every weird vibe I give out; you sure do know how to. I want to show off that I can make you smile in the middle of discussions, but now there might be someone new."
She frowned at the end of the paragraph, remembering her ridiculous accusations towards one person.
"Both your looks and personality are alluring, so it's impossible for someone to not like you. I doubt this one person but I might be devastated about the truth. Right, Ji?" Her gaze turned to the stuffed toy she cuddled with while writing, expecting its reply.
She couldn't contain herself anymore, she punched the lifeless cat to her heart's content thinking it would get hurt.
"Before actually talking to you, I looked through your profile to find our likes. Guess what? We both read novels. At first, we got shy from each other. Days later, you loosened up. Removing all formalities while talking, and talking as to how I do."
Recalling every sentiment, it was the gateway for their conversation. Her cheeks puffed red when the part of a book recommendation came into her mind.
“Our topics were a wreck, but I won't envelop those raw days that you would constantly tell me to rest after an odyssey. It started when I got my first shot. I immediately rushed to open my laptop and type presents for daily attendance. Probable you knew, it would notify every student in the group. A chat head from you popped up on my phone. “
She wasn’t experiencing abnormalities, but she was glowing red. The concern was different from what she had gotten from her friends. From that, she knew she would fall for him.
“My friends already knew about you, well because I told them. They already knew I liked you before you did. They already knew I caught feelings before you. They knew what we talked about in every part of the conversation. There's nothing they never knew except when I fell hard for you.”
The stuffed toy orbited the room, she had enough. She suddenly craved coffee which made her speed to the kitchen. More or less, she couldn’t continue it anymore but she probably should.
After brewing, she came back, ready to face the paper, and ready for the battle.
“Here goes nothing.” She took a deep breath before breaking the halt furthermore, thinking about things she should write.
“Until now, I'm uncertain whether I like you. There's a feeling inside of me that it shouldn't be like this. It was wrong and we both weren't ready for a relationship. Your worry became jokes about wishing me the worst. I missed those times but it's time to stop and let go. Not because the exams are coming but I just can't fall over you without admitting.”
The whole paper was now crowded with emotions, and she needed a blank side. Her hands reached for the drawers, abruptly devastate every material. “Alright, it’s time to start again.”
She stretched her arms, thinking of this as the final stroll. It would be because exams were near and she couldn’t review her feelings.
“I hope you didn't comprehend my message as a farewell, but a confession. I didn't want to avoid you, I just wanted to shoot my shot before someone else does. I'm continuing this in an afternoon when I should be revising and preparing for hell.”
As soon as she hit the end, she started squealing and jumping; excited that it was over. There was still one thing that was missing. “Oh right, my signature.” She raised both papers, ready to rip them to fours until her phone beeped. She quickly grabbed and check what was in the notification. It was a text from him.
“Not again!”
The letter was quite a help after all. Her feelings never really faded.
Photo:
Atbashian
Date published: February 14, 2022
Time published: 11:20 am
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