Date Published: April 21, 2023
Time Published: 2:56 pm
Category: Prose
Theme: Longing comfort, Losing affection
Synopsis: Everything seemed fervent as though it were only yesterday; I was not sure how much time had passed since then. I still longed for the warmth that seeped from your embrace, and I wondered how many storms it took to wash the heat away.
I remembered hugging your torso and nuzzling your neck. Whispering goodbyes and take cares before we left each other's feet. I tend to remember that we were in the department's hallways, and that we would wait until it was at least empty before expressing our goodbyes. Sniffing onto the fabric of your uniform despite having my senses weak. I remembered laying my head affectionately against your chest; until we let go of each other's hands resting on our backs, revealing the smudge on my lenses; knowing that this wouldn't be the only time it would be like this. I still remembered how it continued. How I would pack my bags and strode away, being the one to leave first; it was every dismissal as well. Back then it was only summer. Now fall had passed and before you knew it, it was winter. I was still hoping for the warmth the summer had left. But it was all in the past, just as how you advised with every dilemma I had dealt.
I had come back to that time, and sought what would happen now. You gave me a cold shoulder before I initiated a hug. I opened my arms expecting the warmth in yours—but it was long gone. As the sultry summer had fallen into its demise, so was your ardent treatment. It felt cold; it felt different. Wass this the effect of the tumbling seasons?
Your arms were stiff as if it was waiting for me to let go. I hope I was wrong. This would be the last time for you, my first, and I didn't want it to be spent in any other way.
I buried my face the same way I did. I searched for the warmth, the usual you'd heave whenever you chuckle—when it tickled you to your cheeks. Tiptoeing and pushing my head against your collar, it must be somewhere around here. I passed by your heart, but it wasn’t thumping...or I just couldn’t feel it. You were alive and overlooking my presence, but it felt as though you had experienced your fifth demise.
Silent whimpers echoed through corridors; I didn't notice how long I had cried until I lifted my head up from your right. My lenses were smudged and seasoned with tears; I didn't notice they were brimming until it was overflowingly flushed out. I gazed up on your eyes, when back then a single glance I couldn't. Despite my hazy vision, it was clear I only had to look at you. The courage to look sternly made me fragile, I was disgusted by the way you looked. Even the person with the finest vision couldn't interpret the oblique hints in your eyes, which were loaded with a stoic expression. You were never like this, never to me.
"I hate you," the only words that my lips could spout. I hated the way you made me feel, I hated the way I embraced every feeling. I hated you. I hated us.
I sobbed harder than I should've. It was unbelievable how it was happening right now. I was not the type to cry over things like these, but guess what? Maybe I was. Have I told you that I kept on forgetting how your arms felt every hug? Only now I've seized the strength; it was frail and ready to let go, unlike how it used to be so comfortable.
There was no point of saying anything other than that. I used to blurt it a lot back then as a joke, now I meant it. My shoes felt heavy as I tried to step away. A step and another; everything that had happened was hard to swallow. That very day, my shoulders felt light. It was only your arms that made it heavier.
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