Classification: Prose
Theme: Emotional Recovery
Synopsis: With a heavy heart, Levi slowly begins to accept the faith of his wife, and the new responsibility he possesses as a single father. He realizes his mistake and is now swearing to become a better man and father.
(This is the second part of Grief & Loss.)
...
"Daddy, are you certain about this?" Chase asked as she looked up at me. I sighed and placed my hand on her head. "It's for the best, dear, alright? I'll come to pick you all up in a few days. Or perhaps weeks..." I answered.
"But what will you be doing?!" she questioned. I sighed deeper before answering in a gentle tone, "Daddy just needs some more time, alright?"
"But why do you have to send us away, Daddy?!" Rosabelle asked in tears before tightly embracing me. "I don't want to leave you!!" she yelled. I bent down and gently spoke to my seven-year-old daughter, "Hey, I'm not sending you and your siblings away, Rosabelle. I just–"
"What is it then?" my sixteen-year-old son snapped. "Hunter–" I tried to reason with the teenager as I stood up, but he cut off once more. "Didn't you have plenty of TIME when you spent your week in your bedroom instead of with us, Father?! Or were you far too busy drinking to think back on how your kids are doing after they lost their damn MOTHER?!!"
My girls and I stared at him in shock. He knew I was drinking... "Son, that's enough–" I attempted to take back the authority I had as his father, but alas, the young man wouldn't let me speak.
"And instead of you, you're making your sister deal with us and our current losses?! DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT WE LOST OUR MOTHER AND WE NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER?! DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT US??!" my son yelled, making my heart sink.
"Hunter stop–"
"YOU PRETENDED AS IF WE WEREN'T EVEN THERE!! WHERE WERE WAS OUR FATHER WHEN WE NEEDED HIM THE MOST?!! DID YOU THINK YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE AFFECTED BY MOTHER'S DEATH??!!"
"HUNTER–"
"That's enough. Hunter, you mustn't yell at your father like that." Agnes scolded as she entered the hallway. Hunter didn't say anything and only looked away.
I looked back at my daughters and saw that Rosabelle was now hugging her sister for comfort. "And he shouldn't have been a bad father by abandoning us for a certain amount of time..." he said in a low voice, but his sentence stung like hell. Agnes and I stared at him in shock as I felt my knees go weak and my heart-shattering. I felt water forming in my eyes.
I couldn't get a single word out of my mouth. I stared at the ground and before Agnes could berate him we saw Aiko and Charles' (her husband) car pull up at the front of the manor.
The couple got out as Agnes helped the kids with their baggage. Once they were ready to go, Rosabelle then clung to me and refused to let go. "Rosabelle, what's the matter, Baby?" I asked as I tried to pull away from her because she had to go with her siblings. "I don't want to leave!!!" she said in tears.
"Rosabelle, you need to go. Aunty Aiko and Uncle Charles are waiting outside." Agnes attempted to reason with the little girl but she shook her head and held onto me tighter. "I want Daddy!!" the little girl cried. We all tried to get her to let go but she was too stubborn.
Eventually, Hunter placed his hands on her waist and pulled her away whilst she was crying. "Chase, Rosabelle, let's go," he said and Chase approached him. He held both of their hands before Chase turned to me. "Goodbye, Daddy..." she smiled.
The three exited the mansion and my sister and her husband helped put their bags into the boot of the car. Aiko looked over at me and smiled as she nodded. After they were done loading the car, they got inside and Agnes and I watched as they drove away. I didn't bother interacting with Aiko or Charles.
"Are you alright, Levi? I'm sure Hunter didn't mean what he said." Agnes attempted to console me as she gently rubbed my arm. "Even if Hunter didn't mean what he said, Agnes," I spoke. "It is not far from the truth."
After our ever-so "pleasant" chat, I walked away. The next thing I knew, I found myself in the hallway where my children's bedrooms are in.
I was already missing them very much. After I finally came out of my bedroom after a week, I entered the dining room only to see my kids having breakfast. They were rightfully shocked to see me. Nonetheless, Chase and Rosabelle ran up to me and hugged me, whilst their brother just watched as he stared at me.
I tried talking to him but he kept pushing me away. He has been distant and cold with me for the entire day. He began acting what you would call an angsty teenager.
Despite how he was acting, I desperately tried to close the gap between us and get through to him. But...he didn't listen to a word I said. He was angry with me and I understood that.
Hunter was the one helping his two young sisters cope with the death of their mother, and he was the one there for them when they desperately needed to collapse and cry into someone's arms, while their father was drowning himself in alcohol.
Their daddy wasn't there.
Instead of prioritizing being there for my grieving kids, I locked myself in my bedroom for an entire week with no intentions of getting out until I was "ready" to face my children.
Hence, Hunter and possibly Chase and Rosabelle as well felt as if I had forsaken them. Especially since I locked myself the moment I stepped foot inside the manor. How could I be so utterly foolish... They needed me. I should have reminded them that they did not lose me, that I was still here with them, yet...I wasn't.
I was too busy rotting away in my room, not caring about my health or the current well-being of my kids. I just didn't want them to see me in such a bad state! I was trying to heal, but I wasn't helping heal the pain of my kids. I wasn't there for them when they were at their lowest. I should have helped them and myself cope…
I thought I was doing what was best for them, but looking back at it, I was just doing what was best for myself. They hold every right to be mad at me…
I found myself walking into my son's bedroom. I leaned on the doorframe and looked at the room. His bedroom interior was simple enough. One corner was his collection of guitars and stood a microphone stood next to it.
After staring into nothingness for several moments, I proceeded inside and sat at the edge of his bed, reflecting on the fact that our fragile relationship was standing on thin ice.
I noticed a picture frame on his nightstand. I picked it up and saw the image inside was a cheerful photo of Hunter and his sisters. I allowed myself to crack a small smile. I wish we could go back to jolly days like that... The ones with their mother present.
"You were my first child Hunter, you were my first drive to become a good father to my children... If only things could have ended differently, Alice's smile would still glow bright today, and she would still be here..."
Hunter is a friendly and gentle-hearted teenage boy and a very loving big brother to his sisters. He inherited these qualities from his mother. He truly adored Alice and loved her deeply, so you could only imagine his pain and distress when she died. I made a mistake by never comforting him or any of his sisters after the funeral.
Believe me, I do love my children. I love them more than they could ever imagine. They were my entire world. But, the death of their mother felt as if the crucial half of me was taken away. How would I take care and raise three very dependent children all by myself?
But I know I should. They were all I have left of my wife. She made me promise to be the best father I could be to them. Though, with the mistake I'd done, was it too late to fulfill that promise I made to Alice? No, by giving up on my promises, I would be giving up on my children, and I would rather do anything else than that.
After blankly staring at the floor for more than ten minutes, I stood up an
d exited the room to only enter my own bedroom and work to get my mind off everything.
[Five Days Later]
The night was a rainy and stormy one, and the sky was a black starless blanket. It corresponded with my mood perfectly. I was sitting at the edge of my bed with a white box next to me, and inside that box contained old photos I was looking through.
On my right was the small box of my and Alice's wedding rings. I took mine off after the funeral and placed it inside the box along with Alice's ring. I couldn't bear to look at them anymore, let alone wear mine.
I wanted to store away some old things that belonged to Alice, however, I got distracted by these old photos when I spotted them in my wardrobe. I picked up a photo of Alice and me during our wedding as a single tear escaped my eye.
I blocked out my cries as I buried my face in my hands, attempting not to reminisce on those old days when she was still alive. I pulled myself together before taking a deep breath. I placed the photograph down on the bed before looking inside the box again.
My hands trembled as I slowly picked up a picture of my wife and our kids. My family... During our wedding, I swore to Alice that I shall always put our family first. I vowed to never drift apart from them. In sickness or in health, I will take care of them, put their needs first, and love them with everything I have.
I was sincerely happy with the world Alice and I built together, but with her now gone, it is my job to look after that world. She wouldn't have been happy with the mistake I made after her funeral, but she would have understood. I know I can't keep myself on the bottom for long. I eventually need to get up and start a new life with my kids.
It's not too late to be a better father to my children, right? Alice wouldn't have made me promise what I did if she knew I couldn't fulfill it. I may have lost my wife but, I didn't lose everything. Hunter, Chase, Rosabelle...my three kids still need me. They need their father. They can't live on their own.
I stroked the photograph with my thumb before standing up. I made my way to my wardrobe and put on a black hooded coat. I then walked to my nightstand and picked up my car keys. I grabbed my phone before slipping it into my pocket and I exited my bedroom then scurried downstairs. "I'm going out," I said to Agnes as I exited the mansion.
The entire time, Agnes was asking where I was going at such a late hour. "Wait! Levi where are you bloody going?! It's 10 PM and you can't drive in this weather!!" but I didn't answer and proceeded to my car. I drove for around fifteen to twenty minutes before I arrived at a private cemetery.
I exited my car before I pulled my hood over to my head to block out the rain. I was then allowed entrance to the cemetery by the night guard upon knowing who I was. I wasted no time and entered. I slowly walked on a path, away from the other gravestones that had the members of my family buried underneath them.
The cemetery was made for my deceased family members only, so every deceased person buried here is a family member of mine. These gravestones stretch back centuries ago to even when my ancestors were still alive. As I walked, only the sound of rain pouring filled the silent night atmosphere.
The entire time I was walking my mind was blank. I didn't know why I came here in the first place, or how I even managed to bring myself to come here alone.
I then stopped once I reached my wife's grave. I stood in front of it and stared at the tombstone. The heavy rain continuously hit my body and I was already drenched at that point. It was cold and wet but the only thing on my mind was Alice.
I took a step closer to the tombstone before taking a deep breath and spoke, "I'm sorry, Alice...I truly am, but I haven't been the best father to our kids. I was not present for them when they were grieving. I wasn't there when they were at their lowest. Instead, I chose to rot away in my room, waiting for something good to happen..."
I then felt something wet slide on my left cheek. Whether it was rainwater or a tear was beyond me. "They miss you so much, Alice... You were always there for them when I wasn't. I can't bear to see the state they are in... Every day I wish you were still here with us, to make our kids smile like you used to do. But even in myself, I know there is nothing I can do to bring you back..."
I clenched my fists as I felt tears streaming down my face. "But even still, I know you would have wanted us to be happy. You trusted me to be the best father I can be to them, you made me promise. And while I can't be the best father out there, I can be a good father, one who will be there for them, especially at their lowest, one is who willing to accept them at their best or worse, a father that will love his children unconditionally and will help them stand up once they have fallen. I am willing to be that, for you and our children."
“I promise, Alice, I will be a better father. I know you are watching over us wherever you are, but please do not worry about us. Because standing here now, I know things will eventually get better. I love you so much, beloved. Always, for better or for worse. I will raise them into good-hearted people, and I will make sure they will make you proud. I'll make everything right."
I then turned around and was about to walk away before I looked back at my wife's grave and smiled.
"I can't wait to see you again."
Published by: Jan Yeasha Mendez
Date published: February 22, 2022
Time published: 3:21 PM
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