Published by: Lloyd Agbulos
Date published: March 02, 2022
Time published: 3:50 PM
Category: Prose
Theme: Time traveling
Synopsis: She never knew that one day she could find a place where she felt she belonged. All day in her life, she was paralyzed with overthinking, choking herself with the rope of worries. Until her savior came, only so she could lose another part of herself.
Have you ever wanted to cry but no tears came flowing, because all those tears had run out? So you stare blankly at the ceiling, feeling your whole existence shatter into pieces, re-thinking all the decisions you made. Because if you did, I’d be glad, knowing that I was not the only one wanting to hide underneath and never leave there. I wasn’t the only one who suffered from these creeping thoughts that I didn’t desire.
It was as if the darkness was engulfing me. As if there was no way out and I was slowly sinking deeper...and deeper.
I wasn't even aware of the time anymore. All I wanted to do was lie down and do nothing. My body didn't want to move…function like how it was supposed to.
I made a mistake earlier in class. Even if I wanted to close my eyes to travel to dreamland, I couldn’t. The darkness I was seeing when I closed them turned into monsters ready to devour me. In the end, I would reach for the bottle on top of my table as my hand shook, swallow the pill with ice-cold water. Reading the word ‘Xanax’ on the bottle somehow calmed me down, along with the pill’s effect.
I suddenly thought about what happened last month. Were they looking at me because of how I dressed? Because my clothes weren’t as trendy as theirs? Were they laughing at me? Were they? Why are they laughing at me? Did they? It swamped me up again. My relapse started.
I had to close my eyes while ingesting another pill. Taking one more, caressing the engravement on it to calm myself even more.
It was hard to control my demon. The reason why my friends back in high school left me. They had enough of me. Now I was scared to attach myself to someone else. In my head, they would leave me. They would find me weird, annoying, and tiring. No one could ever handle my hellion of a mind.
That was what I thought.
The month when leaves turned gold and fell, he came. When he did, all moving things stopped. He gave me his warm scarf, telling me it was cold in the afternoon.
Months and days had passed yet my curiosity about him didn’t leave me. How could he handle such a mess? It was as if he had been doing this all his life. So I gathered enough strength to ask him.
I only felt betrayed. Was he a crazy man and I just saw him in the wrong way? He told me he was my husband, that he came from the future to prevent a tragedy that made his universe tumble down. He came to save me. For what?
He proved his words to be true and in the end, I believed him. Still, the reason for his arrival wasn’t mentioned.
Until that day when I went out with him. The earth and sky collapsed. I couldn’t fathom how I could do that to me…to us. I didn’t want to believe that I lost my fight. And he, the husband I had, the man I chose, saw it all.
I couldn’t accept the fact that I succumbed to the monsters’ poison and ended my world. I was petrified, however, he stayed. He helped me hold on. He became my sanctuary.
I was ready to tell him how his hard work paid. I was so ready but I couldn’t find him any longer. I went to the usual place we often went to other than the beautiful hill and only a piece of paper was given to me when I arrived.
The person he worked so hard to rebuild crumbled once more. I couldn’t show this to him. For him, I would be strong. But where was he?
I ran outside, not caring about the water splashing on my shoes. Maybe the Gods knew of my pain as the skies rumbled with their tears pouring down. I couldn’t let things end like this. No. If I had known that this would be our ending, I would’ve run away from him. If I knew that I would lose him, then I would’ve pushed him away. If I knew that he would leave me and go back, I wouldn’t have let him in.
He wasn’t supposed to meet me. Not until the day I tried to take my life. How dare he say that I should live my days brightly? Even though it was his wish, I’d rather end this yearning than live.
Like a hurricane, I was thrown away as I collided with a car I didn’t see coming. My body rolled on the ground while people surrounded me, asking for help. I felt remorse when I remembered a part of his letter that trampled all over me.
I would forget him. Everything about him. Every day we spent. Every memory we shared. While he…while he would remember all of it. Like a precious gemstone that he could never touch again.
I stared at the leaves falling, and similar to when he came to me, it stopped. The next thing I knew was waking up to a pitch-black world. I heard voices arguing. Above all of it, my mother’s voice won. “I don’t care what will happen to me,” she said, talking to someone I couldn’t see. I couldn’t see them both. What she said made my eyes well up. How special was I?
“Before I became a doctor, I was a mother.” She paused. “I know it’s wrong to be selfish but ever since her father died my galaxy was her, and right now, my daughter’s life is on the line! I’ll accept any punishment—no, I’ll resign. But before all of that, I will save my daughter.”
I once stumbled in life. Thankfully, my mother was with me.
I continued going to this place I know I never went into, not knowing why. A hill where there was only a big tree. My feet slowly dragged me towards its shade. Hiding from the moon’s light I could not see any longer. Using my cane as a guide.
The wonder surged through me when I couldn’t hear the cold wind blowing. I lifted my hand only to gasp softly. Was this real? How could it be?
The leaves stopped falling.
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