𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗥𝗬: "When I Look at him" by Khaye E. Rimando

 

Published by Danica Demaclid

Date Published: June 2, 2023
Time Published: 3:07 PM

Category: Prose

Theme: Unrequited Love, Unsaid feelings

—

Have you ever been in love?

What does it feel like?

Well for me, it’s painful. I don’t know. It almost felt like I was scammed or something. When I was a kid, I always thought that love is great. Love is magical. Love is like finding your very own prince charming that will save you, a damsel in distress. But I’m wrong. Because I became a damsel in distress because of that ‘prince charming’. Can you believe it?

“Why do you even like him?” My best friend Tia suddenly asked.

I looked at her with my ‘Are you really my friend look’ and I think she got that as swift as the lightning bolt because she covered her mouth like those memes on Facebook.

“I mean, I've been friends with you for four years now. I know your type, Kiara. Yes, you do like smart older guys but you liked them goofy and with the same sense of humor as you! Eli is smart, I admit. He’s also mature enough and is perfectly just two years older than you. He’s tall, smells amazing, and talks eloquently, with his dazzling looks that almost felt like sculpted by the Greek Gods but for Pete’s sake! He’s introverted, always serious, and doesn’t even talk to you!” She blabbed.

“Wow, thank you, Mother. I didn’t know all of that until now that you’ve said it.” I replied sarcastically.

She looked at me hopelessly, as if I was a pizza box thrown in the air with my face landed flat on the ground.

“I don’t know either, okay? It was just when I looked at him, everything around me didn't matter anymore. When I look at him, it feels like time just slows down. When I look at him, I know that everything’s gonna be fine.” I said.

She rolled her eyes and sighed deeply.

“When I look at him, blah blah blah,” she mocked.

Thank God she decided to sleep after messing with my quiet time.

I sighed deeply as I stared into the white ceiling of my room, imagining fake scenarios with him.

What if he likes me too and is just too shy to admit it?

I shook my head to banish the thought from my head.

“Stop being delusional Kiara, pull yourself together!” I uttered to myself.

Eli is too perfect for me. I mean, he’s out of my league. How can God spend extra time building him, looking like a perfect sculpture in an art museum while I am here, looking like a boiled sweet potato? How unfair. At least I’m still delicious, duh.

I decided to take a break from those thoughts and thought of grabbing a latte at the coffee shop nearby. I deserve it.

A cloud of thoughts made me walk like a soulless body on the street. I was too occupied to even notice the car parked in front of the coffee shop.

“Good afternoon Ma’am Kiara! The usual again?” The barista said to me as soon as he noticed me entering the shop.

I nodded at him and smiled. I always go here especially when I need to write, the ambiance here just gives me a sudden boost of inspiration and motivation to finish my book.

Yep, I’m an author.

I scrolled through my phone while waiting for my coffee when someone entered the shop. I didn’t bother to look at that person and just kept on scrolling.

“One Caramel Macchiato for Ma’am Kiara!” The barista called me enthusiastically.

I stood up, still with my eyes fixed on my phone when I bumped into someone’s back.

“I’m so sorry! Are you hurt?” I immediately asked out of concern.

He sighed and turned his face towards me. That’s when I realized that I was doomed.

Someone come and help me, please!

“That’s fine,” Eli said to me and turned to the barista again.

“I came here to pick up my order. Thank you.” He said to the barista kindly.

My heart beat faster and faster when I planned to grab the coffee on the counter as fast as I can and run like Flash out of the store to save myself from humiliation and arrhythmia when the barista also decided to chat with me. How amazing.

“Is your book done now, Ms. Author?” He asked.

“Uh, not yet,” I answered him anxiously.

I just want to get out of here, juseyo (please).

He was about to say something again when I decided to act like I hurriedly needed to go and it worked so I yeeted myself out of the shop.

I was all red and embarrassed when I came home. Luckily, I have my daily dose of caffeine to comfort me. I excitedly took a sip and that’s when I realized how the world would be so convenient without me.

I took the wrong coffee. I.took.his.coffee.

“No!” I screamed with pure humiliation.

Someone bury me alive now, please.

—

“Oh come on! He won’t bite you there! I bet he doesn’t even care that you took his coffee accidentally.” Tia said to me, trying to make me get out of bed and go to work.

Ouch.

But she’s right. I bet he doesn't even know me.

I put on the mask of ‘Everything’s gonna be alright’ and acted like nothing happened but my heart began beating fast as soon as I spotted him in the crowd.

Stop it, Heart. Stop beating so fast before I lose my sanity here.

“Oh great, you’re here already Ms. Kiara. Can you help me put this in Mr. Eli’s office?” My co-worker said.

No…

“Uh, Yes. Give me the box, it’s heavy.” I told her.

Are you crazy Kiara? Why did you agree? The last thing you want is to be a meter away from him after what you’ve done!

We carefully put the files on his desk together with the box I carried when I noticed something peculiar on it.

My book.

What is my first-ever published book doing on his desk?! Does he read it? Does he know I was the one who wrote it?

Thoughts seeped through my mind as I stared perplexedly at my book on his desk.

“It was a good book. Are you interested in it? I can hand it to you.” A voice from behind me said.

It was him.

“I-uh”, Gosh I can’t even let a word out of my mouth!

“My beloved Elise read that, I was curious so I decided to give it a shot too. It was worth it. Though I heard that its author never revealed herself, nor held a book signing event after releasing the book. What a pity.” He shared when he should have not.

I don’t even know how to react now. Should I be thankful that he finally talked to me or not since he mentioned his girlfriend?

“A needle pierced through my heart and I couldn’t breathe.” That line I read from a book embarked on me as I finally relate to what it feels like. My heart felt like it was being wrung out. Almost feeling like a glass of fine wine just shattered in front of me. I couldn’t move, or open my mouth to say something.

I used to feel solace when I looked at him. But now, when I look at him, I feel a throbbing pain inside that torments my whole system. Especially when I realized that he read my book because his girlfriend read it. Not knowing that the book really is dedicated to him, containing my confessions and unsaid feelings.

I guess that’s just it. My feelings should only remain in the book and as for me, it’s time to move on to another chapter and turn my page away from him.