FEATURE: "The seven colors inside-out" by Eric Paulin

Today’s celebration of the international coming out day refreshes my memory of that fateful day of September 23, 2018 when I myself have come out of the closet. It is a long post that I put up on Facebook, telling my family, friends, students, and colleagues who I really am.

Layout: Darein Catchillar

Of the 187 comments, every single one expresses love and support. Some of them even says that they already know prior to my revelation. But to cut this short, it has been so heartwarming that I get zero percent hate and discrimination. Even my parents (my mom to be specific since my dad already knows and he is not on social media) are okay with it.

Then, what does it really take to do such thing? What are the fears I have had before deciding to publish the mega long post? What are the risks I have been willing to take? What do I have to lose?

Prior to coming out, there are a lot of things I consider. My family. My friends. My colleagues. My bandmates. My students. Every single person in those group of people I have just listed matter to me, and despite the saying that what other people say should not matter, it really does. I know that there is a possibility that I may lose friends and kinship, and that is not one small thing that you can just ignore for the sake of feeling liberated. To really come out and be free also entails the possibility of genuinely feeling free after that. Because, if you come out and majority of the people does not accept or understand it, the bird is not free after all. The bashing and hatred will come and the purpose of letting one’s feeling out is likewise defeated.

Perhaps the reason that really pushes me to go through all of that is simply one of my students back then whom I have had the chance to talk to. He knows who I am and he understands my feelings. But thinking back, it makes me realize now that it has not been really that student nor the words he has said that pushes me but the timing.

I am already aware that a lot of people know or at least, have an idea. My job is already stable that time. I have lots of friends who I trust and who I know I can run into. Kumbaga, if things go South, I know that I’m safe at the very least. 

And then I do. I do come out. And it is worth it.

Perhaps you’ve noticed that despite all these things I mention happen in the past, my verbs are all in the present tense. It is because I want you to really feel what I feel during that time. And, if you are one hiding inside the closet and struggling because of the many forces around you that hinders you from feeling free, let this story educate you that the right time will come for you to release the seven colors inside of you, and that everything will be worth it when it does.

Happy international coming out day!