Category: Prose
Theme: Grief, acceptance
-
We believed in heaven. That was why everytime an innocent child asked, "Where do we go when we die?" with their eyes full of wonder, looking straight at us, we always answer the same cliché thing: "In Heaven. All beings who dies go to Heaven."
But that was not what he told me.
He said that he always felt miserable every time he woke up. It would vanish after he looked around the place as if the soft gleam of sunlight had given him a reason to feel that way. Maybe it was the trees, or the harmony played by the instruments floating up above.
He told me he received that being I lost last Sunday. The being I gave all of my heart when I swore to myself not to. The very being who took half of me with him.
At the age of twelve I had come along throwing bodies somewhere. Carrying the sack which we used to place them into.
Once, it was seven in the evening. I actually didn't care much. I thought to myself that what happened was natural, that it was his time, although he was young.
The second time was two years after it happened. The twenty-second of December, two thousand and nineteen in the evening again. I didn't come along to throw his body. Aki's body. I saw how he left and thankfully, I moved away from him. I took back the affections I gave to him. But he still managed to hurt me. What happened gave me another void that I tried to cope up with something else, which was by being busy.
A bit more and I would've exchanged my face with the modules I was answering. I tried to leave that feeling I didn't want to feel again. Numbness. I wanted to feel that numbness.
The third time I opened my heart again, only to watch it fall apart. For weeks I tried my best; we tried everything we could so he could live. His last moments were him just crying...
I should've played with him more. I should've tried more. Regret made me succumb to the void I was starting to feel again. This time I went with my father to bury him. Carrying him on my lap, still warm as it had only been a few hours after he died.
The dark sky of midnight along with the orange streetlights and the shadows of the trees looked as if they were staring at me. Judging me. Telling me that I didn't try hard enough. Even the cold wind of May started choking me as I couldn't control my breathing. Suppressing the tears that wanted to escape my eyes.
I had nothing to do anymore since our semester break had already started. Thankfully, I managed to take some of the affections I gave him.
They told me that a man's friend was a dog. They were loyal to their owners. Our family loved dogs ever since I was not even born.
Few months after his death, we took in two new family members. I was ready to give everything I had. But now, I was looking at someone who struggled enough.
They said that I did everything I could. I gave all the money I saved for the vet, I helped with everything, yet why was I looking at him? Why was I looking at someone who could give me nightmares?
I was too late. I couldn't save myself fast enough. I knew that what I wanted was a selfish act. I wanted to save myself from the pain and the void I couldn't take any longer. But I didn't get to take my affections back in time. I even hoped that he would survive yet he didn't.
Like Aki's case, I didn't help with burying him. I couldn't.
"How is he doing?" I asked. Clutching the telephone that magically helped me talk to this man.
"Fear not. He is doing fine, playing along with your other puppies who came back to the hands of God. Although I also can't take what happened easily, you have to move on."
I smiled. At least he was playing with them. Ulysses was a very hyper puppy. He couldn't get to play a lot for the past few weeks that he was fighting death. I think he wanted to but his body wouldn't allow it. It broke my heart into pieces. It didn't only fall to an abyss where only one reason could help take it back. It threw my heart from across the room repeatedly until it shattered.
I knew that even super glue wouldn't be able to fix the pieces that were so fragile; it broke a thousand times.
I sighed. It was not beyond my knowledge that even this man I was talking with felt miserable as he missed his family a lot. He watched me and my sister grow up into who we were now, and I hoped I wouldn't disappoint him as much as I was disappointed with myself.
He couldn't even live a long life right after he met the air of Earth. I sometimes wonder if he tried to live or not. An infant with nothing but his naked innocence. He returned to the arms of God as he also became the key to our parents' sadness.
"Thank you, Kuya."
-
Published by: Julianne Andrei F. Batiao
Date published: January 14, 2022
No comments:
Post a Comment